5 People You Want to Be When the Zombie Apocalypse Hits

Standard

I have an overactive imagination and a penchant for post-apocalyptic scenarios. This means I think about zombies a lot. I used to muse that the little town where we lived in Kansas was an excellent place to ride out zombies because of the spring-fed creek north of town, pretty much NOTHING for miles around but cows and crops, and several warehouses in town owned by hoarders that were full of farm equipment suitable for decapitating the undead. I also figured out that it would be a relatively simple process to surround the town with an eight-foot barbed wire fence and that the pizza place in town was ideally placed to serve as a zombie watchtower.

(Hmm. Maybe this kind of thing was why they thought I was weird.)

As I was driving home from a shopping trip on a long winding road through the woods I contemplated how my current home would either be the best or the worst place to live when the zombies awaken. After all, I live on a military post surrounded by woods. There are tanks, helicopters, and soldiers at the ready, but escaping zombies that have breached the perimeter involves driving on rural highways inevitably clogged with cars or hiking through alligator-infested woods.

(Yep, definitely the reason they thought I was weird.)

Anyway, in my continued musing, I considered where and who I would most like to be when the apocalypse hits and came up with these top five. Enjoy!

5 People You Want to Be When the Zombie Apocalypse Hits

5. A researcher at one of the polar ice caps

Why: As long as you have access to a large boat or sea plane, odds are good you will have adequate provisions to hold out for quite a while. The zombies will freeze solid at night allowing for easy brain destruction in the morning.

How it could go wrong: It’s -100 outside. On second thought, I’d rather be a zombie.

4. An off-shore oil rig worker

Why: If you’re with a good company, you probably have all the comforts of home plus a spa and recreation space. Zombies can’t swim last time I checked. You’re set for life.

How it could go wrong: It’s an oil rig full of lonely men who are getting bored. Odds are good that you’ll blow up.

3. A rural USPS letter carrier

Why: They know all the back roads that won’t be blocked by traffic jams and people running away from the zombies, and if they are nice and talk to people, they probably know which ranchers and farmers have their own water well, food supplies, and decently defensible abodes.

How it could go wrong: The USPS is probably where the zombie apocalypse will start.

2. One of those park rangers that work on the fire lookout towers in the middle of nowhere

Why: No one around. Plenty of provisions and water. You’ll spot the zombies miles away.

How it could go wrong: Being the last man on earth is depressing. See I Am Legend, Planet of the Apes, Oblivion, Day of the Triffids 

1. One of the Duck Dynasty clan

Why: Miss Kay can make anything taste good, and they own miles of private swamp land they can disappear into. Am I the only one who believes Uncle Si would set down his sweet tea with a gleam in his eye and turn into a zombie-killing machine, hollering non sequiturs and bad puns as he mows down the undead? The rest of the family can just send him outside while they eat sweet potato pie and squirrel dumplings.

How it could go wrong: Zombie Uncle Si.

 

Who would you want to be when the zombies come for us all?

Advertisements

One thought on “5 People You Want to Be When the Zombie Apocalypse Hits

  1. I love this! And yes, I’d choose researcher at the polar ice cap any day of the week. Zombies would free like little terminators and a quick thud to the head would bring their agony to an end!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s